Archive for January, 2015

welcome back!!!

Yes, I got home last Friday night. It was tiring, indeed. From a 3 hours flight and yet the traffic I’ve encounter just to got home. It was terribly bad, but it’s the trademark of this country I guess. Without traffic I guess, everyone will be surprise.

I cried hard again good thing the person i’m with right now asleep peacefully. I cried not because I miss my family but I know where is this coming from. Though I want to write it but I’m not comfortable using my itouch to get this blog of mine done.

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Why does it seems like the day are taking so slow and long here.. I wanna go home..  (humming to the song of Home by Michael Buble)

Do not be afraid to get close

In a contagious world, we learn to keep our distance. If we get too close to those who are suffering, we might get infected by their pain. It may not be convenient or comfortable. But only when you get close enough to catch their hurt, will they be close enough to catch your love.

I’m still wondering

Wondering if you really heard my prayers when I asked you in prayers that to have conversation with that person. I just want you God to know that yes, bumabalik un comfort ko dun sa tao at andun un takot ko. Yes, I do appreciate it if you would called that effort. But I’m not thinking of it as an effort. I’m just thinking of it as he just want to heard a news. It is much better and easier rather than expecting and assuming, at least I can answered him easily. I just want to address him that I appreciate him as who he is as a person. Kahit na gustong gusto ko mabalik kung gaano kami kakulit dati sa office dati. Bakit ko pinili manatili sa tabi nila kahit masakit? Sa isang dahilan, bakit hindi na lang ipagpatuloy kung anu un nasimulan diba. Nagsimula naman kami as good e, so I remain good friends with him. Masakit pero hindi naman dapat masira dahil lang dun diba? And it was a choice I made to remain beside you guys just to continue what we have started.

Gusto ko na umalis, I just don’t know what keeps me holding back. Maybe it’s my contract? Or I just waiting for the company. Or I just want to end this year with the company.

I just want to say Thank you. I remember this, when I texted him a long long ago when we’re just starting out as a good friends. He asked for what? Now, it’s clearly for what is the Thank you was all about.

just 4 nights

Will be gone for 4 nights. Will be back on Friday night, but dunno if I could write because if I’m not that tired probably I’m going to have my laundry so that on Saturday morning so that on Saturday I won’t be up early. Have a safe trip.

It’s been a while

Yes, it’s been a while. Before, we can had our conversation anytime we want. But after that thing, it was drastically change everything. Because this week he made his way before either of us can initiate a conversation. But it was nothing for me, I just think of it that he just wanted to hear something or to talk to someone. But this is it, I will always remember the deal I made up with you God, the “good term” you had my word, got it. And yes I even asked him if he’s okay? He didn’t even answered that question, that’s fine. At least, marunong ako mangamusta. I just remembered what he said to me before, that I don’t even know how to kamusta people.

I know for myself that I’m almost whole again. I just don’t want to let people come into my circle again or probably let us put it this way, I’m just taking good care of myself from the people who want to get in my life. Though there are times the wall that I’d built around myself starting to fall off. I wanted too, but I’m scared already.

I had only this opinion for myself from what happened before, wala pa nga nangyayari pinangungunahan niyo na mga bagay bagay. Why don’t you just be happy for your friend. Sa lagay kasi hindi niyo naramdaman un naramdaman ko un mga panahon na un e. After you’ve said that feelings of yours to that someone, after that awkwardness. I still have to remain in that barkada, because if I’m not going to think that. After that confession, I already should leave the barkada. Ang hirap na andun ka sa point na need mo manatili ganun para maayos pa rin ang lahat. Dahil kung iisipin ko sarili ko, mas mabuti pa umalis. I’m not mad to anyone, but I just realize who am I and who are you. Ang hirap kaya nun pakiramdam na un. Un kailangan mo manatili kahit masakit para lang walang masabi un mga tao.

Honestly, there are times mas gusto ko na lang paniwalaan na may anak siya not because of what I’d heard from the people but because he’s the one who implant it on my mind. Nasira kasi un tiwala e. But there’s a cure for that trust, be honest again but it’s hard because there will be those little doubts already. No one is perfect. Un ako, nasaktan ko siya, nagkasala ako sa kanya, I just confessed to him every bad things I did, my point was nasa kanya kung magtitiwala siya ulit. Pero bakit ako hindi ko un magawa sa kanya, maybe because ilan beses ko na siya nahuli nagsinungaling.

I leave everything to your good hands God. I know that I should have trust you this time. That it is your will. I will surrender and submit to you this one God. Bsta God, good terms lang pinangako ko sayo God. Good terms as long as anjan un company namin. If one day our company close, it’s up to you if I should retain that good term or it’s the end of the road for us. Ingatan mo siya parati ah, dun lang ok na ako even if we’re not office mate anymore. Ok? 🙂 even his loved ones and family and even if he really had son/daughter plus mo na un. 🙂

Since that, ayaw ko makipag-kaibigan. I go back to my nutshell, a place where I feel safe so comfort for me. No risk should I take, but it’s not growing. I’m just there taking care of myself, having my rest. And it’s been long already. There are times I’m thinking if it’s okay already, but I hesitant because prefer this one.

There’s the trust but it’s only 50, every people in office I only give my 50 trust not 100.

two consecutive night out

Yes, I had dinner last Wednesday with the people I’ve met during the retreat. It was schedule. Then on Thursday, this was the best it was impromptu meet up. Because that afternoon I’d texted her (best bud) that I want to meet up with her. She said she will be in Greenhills that night. And I’d agreed to meet her there. As we took the elevator, my clerk asked me if I’m going home I said, No I’m going to Greenhills. Then the guy who lives in that place offer a ride. But I turn it down, saying with thank you for the offer but I’m good. But that afternoon, when I heard that she will going to Greenhills I honestly want to asked that person if I could hitch hike a ride for him. But I hesitant. Probably ganun na nga ako ka-detach sa mga tao. But I do appreciated his offer, a little gesture has really a great impact on it. Thank you, and sorry if I didn’t take your offer. Just don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to get attached with people.

And good thing my flight is on Monday, at least I won’t feel the pain. If you know what I mean. Fine, will tell you. Simple, an offer. I’m not asking too much but it’s something that shows what values a person had. An offer is something you have that you can give/offer because you cannot give what you don’t have. Isn’t? I just remember when we’re just starting out as friends, there were times he texted me to offer a ride. I refuse for one reason, nag-alok ka andun na ako sa biyahe. (Not being sarcastic but that’s the truth) If you really wanted you should have told me earlier. I’m not mad, I just remembered how I appreciated you those times as a person but sablay nga lang but still I do appreciated you kaya nga maayos treatment ko sayo e.

Remember this, little things mean a lot.

Though tonight I’d cancelled my meet up. Because I was thinking I need to take a good rest because on Monday I have a flight. But unfortunately, I’m still up.

But I have this problem with one of my department, I need to take a photo of it because I need to show it in Bangkok. I want to ask him to take a photo of it when they will be having the inventory on Monday but never mind. Before, it was easy to ask a favor but now it’s gone.

keep the distance

Keep the distance. Its strike me when one of my friend said that to me as I was pouring to her what I have here inside. Because of that question, “Hindi ka ba napapagod? Napapagod dahil anjan pa pala siya.” When that question was ask to me, I was like, “what?” But after that, there’s a  lot of things that came up to my mind. Then that friend of mine said why don’t you just bring back what was before maybe through that mas kaya mo na mawala un tao, you’re keeping the distance kasi e. That I’m conscious with my actions kaya daw mas mahirap. My point was nag-iingat lang, dahil marami mata at tenga. And I’m tired of being a topic.

I just remembered how I CLOSED THE GAP and now I have this wall KEEPING THE DISTANCE. 

Word for tonight, keep the distance and close the gap. There’s a big difference on it, it’ very opposite. Isn’t?

It’s hard honestly but I’m getting used to it everyday that I have to be numb. And it’s a hard thing. It’s like removing what you have it in there. Tipong wala kang pakialam sa lahat ng bagay na nasa paligid mo. Kahit ano un gawin nila para padama sayo, mas pipiliin mo na lang maging manhid. Na papakita mo rin sa lahat na okay ka kahit ang hirap.

People-think-depression-33214505-500-581

3 months to go and April na ulit. Someone told me that it will took a year to be okay. But it will be one year already, but I feel that I’m not that okay. To be honest, I want to revenge, but I always asked this, what would I get from that revenge? Would it make me happy. The answer definitely is a BIG BIG NO. Because I’m not that kind of person. I won’t go to that low. All I know was I did everything just to make it up with her. But it came to a point that I get tired of doing the effort that’s why I decided to leave the group. Though we’ve both said our sorry, but here’s the catch Saying sorry doesn’t fix the problem. It’s what you do after that truly counts.” that’s what it lacks, that’s why I gave up. Because aside from saying sorry to you, sinuyo kita as in. But no regrets, at least mas nakilala ko lang kung anong klaseng tao ka. And I won’t regret of letting you go, because in the end I still make our parting ways a good one. Isn’t? At least, I know for myself that I’ve made it a clean one so that I won’t open that again not unless she will.

For my dear cousin

A heart break isn’t always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes, it could be as quiet as a feather falling and the most painful thing is, nobody hears it except you.

Yes, I intended to post this on my wall in other social network. Because I know how she feels. After I heard her story last night though I was a bit of shock that they were boyfriend/girlfriend already because it the first place her parents were against already. When she said these phrase to me, “tama ba na pinaglaban ko si _____ pero hindi na siya consistent.” Nalungkot ako para sa kanya, kung pwde lang ako magsalita, at sasabihin ko lng na “alam mo ba na pinaglaban ka ng pinsan ko.” But I just don’t want to get in between. She also said that, “sinuway nya parents nya.” I only said one thing, “You still have choice. At least you saw what kind of a person is the guy. But before you decide, ask for guidance from above. Malay mo pagsubok lang. And you have to tell him kung anu un nararamdaman mo lalo na kayo na. Kung ganyan na bagay hindi nyo na mapag-usapan ano pa un malaki na darating sa susunod. Maliit pa lang yan.”

Dear God, guide my cousin Trixy. He need your help. Guide her, refresh her. And as always, give her peace. Like I always pray for you, to give me peace and a humble heart.