Archive for July, 2015

Assurance

a word that keeps running on my mind for a days. And I came up with this one. A question that bothers me and makes me think hard to which is which.

Was it something needed to have an evidence or proof from the outside; or is it something you are sure about it from yourself that you want it.

After asking that question from a 4 person this afternoon.

First person she said it is much better if there is a proof because you’re holding unto something.

Second person she said it is much better if there is a proof. Then I asked her pero kung ganito, dapat ikaw mismo sa sarili mo gusto mo un. She gave me a replied with a “Edi risk na lang..” (and risk came here..)

Third person she said it goes both way. For her, assurance should come first within yourself and then from the other person what she does. Because for her, assurance was same with trust. And we had a long conversation… I even asked her this question, which is greater risk: taking the first step or coming up for the follow-up… And it goes down to some personal, and the word just came out from her mouth like “kasi pag napagod daw ako matatapos na un relationship..” which is partly true to myself. But before I gave, I will do anything just to have that person back but if I don’t feel it, that’s the time I give up. Pinatigas ako ng panahon, pain after pain I just grow. Para kasi siyang nag-doorbell pero siya mismo alangan pumasok. She even asked me if I did let her come in? Yes I did, I did entertained her question. But she herself were not sure of what she was doing, she was testing if everything seems ok. Nagparamdam nga siya ulit pero un lang.

*I just thought of one of my blog written last year, titled which is greater risk: taking the first step or coming up for the follow-up. Don’t just risk by taking the first step but to attain it in the long run. Cause if you don’t like it then don’t take the first step. You should come with follow-up.

Lastly, she just answered it with “usually you should be able to feel it na kasi kung assured ka wala na dapat doubts right?” Exactly. There is no 50-50. There should be no test.

And my mind just keep blowing.. my thoughts, oh my thoughts…..

Because the time I choose to be with friends with you guys, one thing for sure to myself was I want you guys as my friends that’s why I stayed even if I know it’s not that easy for me. Because I should killed something to myself. (Malinaw na namili ako, at pinili ko maging kaibigan kayong lahat hindi pa ba sapat un.) But when you start to questioning me, everything turns out to be gray. Everything start to fall into pieces.

Ang sakit God, ang sakit pa rin pala. Hanggang ngayon durog ako, umiiyak pa rin ako pag na-alala ko mga bagay bagay. Lam mo gusto ko pa rin siya maging kaibigan pero ako mismo ayaw gumalaw ng katawan ko to make a move dahil siguro wala ako makitang dahilan. Or pagod na talaga ako, or dahil pinaramdam nya sa akin na alangan siya. Marinig ko lang un sa kanya, ako na gagawa ng next move. Alam ko sa sarili ko ano kaya kong gawin, lalo na kung gusto mo. Lahat gagawin mo para makuha un.

Grant me peace of mind. Nakuha ko na yan e, nawala ulit simula nagparamdam siya. (basag ako dun) Grant us peace. And make her happy always, as in ALWAYS. Is the least I could ask for You, God. At least mapapanatag na ako.

Assurance in dictionary
: the state of being sure or certain about something
: a strong feeling of confidence about yourself or about being right
: a strong and definite statement that something will happen or that something is true

the unsent letter

Hi, it’s been a while. But tonight, I can say that everything was okay already. Especially when I read this, “It’s time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, – it’s all in God’s hands, – has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.”

God, what does it mean. Should I? Is it she I was thinking about it or both of them. Should I let him go also? Again? How many times do I have to do it.

But honestly, it was the hardest decision I’ve made but it makes me more free after what I’ve done. Maybe it should be that way. Though I missed her so much if she just knew that. But I guess you gave me an answer already. To let her go, because we’re both happy and peace already. Sorry kung may pagkukulang ako sayo but we’re just humans.

God I don’t know where these tears coming from but I just can’t stop from flowing out.

second chance

God, what is this? I guess you really know me that well.. Simula nun bumalik siya sa utak ko nun june 5 hindi na siya naka-alis. All I’m thinking that time was to unfriend her. Pero hindi ko magawa dahil alam ko un sakit na un na ayaw ko paranas sa kanya. To my surprise, nagparamdam siya this July 2 (almost nearly for 1 month). When I read her message, the first question that came out from my mind was “what was her intention?” haven’t she accepted that we’re through. But out of respect, still entertained her. Just guide me this time. Hindi pa rin niya alam un kasalanan niya. What made me break was reading her messages that “past is past”. Ganun lang ba kasimple un sa kanya. Haven’t she thought about it that she didn’t done anything to fix it before and now here she goes again with the same old language. Ayusin mo.

May I ask her, ilan ba tayo sa group? It’s not just  two. Lam ko mahirap, pero hinanap nya yan e. Un panahon na gusto ko ayusin asan siya, hindi ba she just let me slip it away.

Sorry kung hard ako, its just I’ll already accepted it long ago that she’s out of my life. But if it’s your will, I know You won’t stop bagging that door, the door I closed long ago.